Coming Home & Growing Apart

Hey there!

So, I came back to my hometown last week, and I had this overwhelming realization that hit me like a truck - I've outgrown this place. Completely. And all I can think about is going back to Bangalore.

Weird, right? This is the place I called home for 25 years of my life. Every corner has a memory, every street knows my name, and yet I felt like a guest in my own house.

Here's the thing about living independently for over a year - you unlearn so many things. Things you thought were absolutely normal for your entire life suddenly don't make sense anymore. The way you eat, sleep, spend your time, handle your emotions, deal with situations - everything shifts when you're on your own. And then you come back home, and you realize you can't just slip back into the old version of yourself.

It's not even about the big things. It's the little things that get you.

It's about having the freedom to eat at 11 PM without someone commenting on it. It's about choosing silence over unnecessary conversations. It's about not having to explain every single decision you make. It's about living life at your own pace, in your own way, without constant supervision or opinions.

Don't get me wrong - I love my family. But after living alone in Bangalore for 15 months, adjusting back feels like wearing a shirt that's two sizes too small. You can make it fit, but it's uncomfortable, and you're constantly aware of how restricted you feel.

And it's not just family. Coming back made me realize I've outgrown so many friendships too. People who were once a huge part of my life now feel like strangers. The conversations don't flow the same way. The interests have changed. The wavelengths don't match anymore. And that's okay, I guess? Growth means leaving some people and places behind, even if it feels a bit sad.

Then there's the whole freelancing and upskilling situation I'm navigating now. After leaving the 9-to-5 structure and diving into this uncertain, exciting, terrifying world of freelancing while learning UI/UX design, I'm dealing with a lot. New responsibilities, new anxieties, new freedoms. And being back home in the middle of all this change? It's a lot on the plate.

I think what's hitting me the most is this - I've changed. Drastically. In just 15 months, I've become someone I barely recognize when I look at the 25-year-old version of me. That Devika would have been okay with a lot of things this 26-year-old Devika absolutely cannot stand.

Ath pole thanne, there are habits I've dropped, boundaries I've set, standards I won't compromise on anymore. And coming back here makes all of that feel... challenged? Like I have to defend or explain why I'm different now.

The truth is, you can't go back once you've moved forward. You can't unsee what you've seen, unfeel what you've felt, or unlearn what you've learned. Growth is irreversible in that way.

So yes, I'm dealing with a lot of internal conflict right now. Part of me feels guilty for not feeling at home in the place that raised me. Part of me is proud of how much I've evolved. Part of me is exhausted from all the changes happening at once - leaving my job, starting to freelance, upskilling for a career transition, navigating this weird in-between phase of life. And part of me just wants to go back to Bangalore, to my space, my routine, my version of life.

Ithokke nammal vicharikkarillallo when we first leave home? We think we'll come back and everything will feel the same, that we'll slip right back into who we were. But life doesn't work that way. You change, and the place stays the same, and suddenly home doesn't feel like home anymore.

Maybe that's what adulting really is - realizing that "home" isn't a place anymore. It's a feeling. And sometimes, you have to build that feeling somewhere else entirely.

For now, I'm just counting the days until I can go back. Back to the life I've built, the person I've become, and the peace I've found in my own space.

If you've ever felt this way - like you've outgrown the place or people you once couldn't imagine living without - just know you're not alone. Growth is lonely sometimes, but it's necessary.

Okay bye, I need to go pretend I'm still the same person everyone here remembers :)

With too many thoughts and not enough patience, Devu